third floor in horn, a.c. overhead

my grandfather is getting worse.

it's a very somber time right now. i haven't done anything in 3 or 4 days. haven't drank. haven't gone out. haven't really done much except work and sleep and ride my bike.

he's in the hospital and they aren't operating on him. that's bad news no matter what. today, my mom told me that he won't be able to see or talk - if he recovers. he's dying. i knew it when i first heard about the stroke (not know, know - but got that terrible feeling), and everyday it's just becoming more clear.

i'm sure the docs are doing everything they can, but it's a losing battle. if i was a religious person - and times like this kinda make you question your agnostic/atheist tendencies - i would be praying. but there's not much i can do. i was going to drive up with my cousin to maine, but my mom said not to bother. they are all just sitting around, waiting.

it's a terrible thing to wait, especially if you are waiting to see if someone is going to live or die.

i'm probably going to be up until 4am again tonight. without alcohol i can't fall asleep. i'll smoke my last bowl tonight too. the real hell with begin as i detox completely from weed and alcohol. then i'll be angry, moody, frustrated, antisocial, just an all out bore.

and then i'll have to go to a funeral (...) in that state. the temptation to drink will be high, very high. i'll probably have to score a bag sometime this week. it'll happen, if i want it to or not. isn't that what they say at AA? you're powerless?

whatever.

i'm thinking of you Grandpa.