dan le sac vs scroobius pip - fixed

grandfather died, only drank 5 or so days out of the last 4 weeks - personal best for me since i turned 21, rode 75 miles this week, works okay, schools okay, lifes okay

girls on the horizon

shit isn't as bad as it was

but i don't have the energy to describe it

third floor in horn, a.c. overhead

my grandfather is getting worse.

it's a very somber time right now. i haven't done anything in 3 or 4 days. haven't drank. haven't gone out. haven't really done much except work and sleep and ride my bike.

he's in the hospital and they aren't operating on him. that's bad news no matter what. today, my mom told me that he won't be able to see or talk - if he recovers. he's dying. i knew it when i first heard about the stroke (not know, know - but got that terrible feeling), and everyday it's just becoming more clear.

i'm sure the docs are doing everything they can, but it's a losing battle. if i was a religious person - and times like this kinda make you question your agnostic/atheist tendencies - i would be praying. but there's not much i can do. i was going to drive up with my cousin to maine, but my mom said not to bother. they are all just sitting around, waiting.

it's a terrible thing to wait, especially if you are waiting to see if someone is going to live or die.

i'm probably going to be up until 4am again tonight. without alcohol i can't fall asleep. i'll smoke my last bowl tonight too. the real hell with begin as i detox completely from weed and alcohol. then i'll be angry, moody, frustrated, antisocial, just an all out bore.

and then i'll have to go to a funeral (...) in that state. the temptation to drink will be high, very high. i'll probably have to score a bag sometime this week. it'll happen, if i want it to or not. isn't that what they say at AA? you're powerless?

whatever.

i'm thinking of you Grandpa.

been a while...

things haven't been so good this past week.

let's go through them real quick:

labor day, got arrested for writing graffiti. spent 12 hours sleeping on a concrete floor with peter, the heroin addict. (he was cool though, actually.)

boss wants my program to be finished, so i had to bust my ass to get work done. decided to stop drinking - been sober for 3 days now. worked 20 hours in 3 days, effing a lot for me.

told my parents about the arrest and the fact that i'm not graduating on time, plus i have a problem with alcohol.

they are pissed. very, very pissed. i'll have to pay for the extra credits needed to graduate. not cool, not cool at all.

then, last night, my grandfather suffered a major stroke. it doesn't look like they are going to operate on him, but it's becoming clear to me that he'll never be the same person that i knew him before.

i feel so much guilt for not sending my thank you note for his birthday present to me.

c'est la vie...